Our guide to estate agency jargon.  We all know that estate agents can use “flowery language” when they describe a property for sale. We take a lighthearted look at what this jargon actually means.

  • Benefits From –  Contains a feature you may expect to be the bare minimum for the extraordinary price you are paying.
  • Bijou – Would suit contortionist with growth hormone deficiency.
  • Property borders x –  Loose term signifying that a property is sufficiently close to a desirable area to ensure the burglars who live next door to you will travel to work.
  • Characterful –  A neat disguise for old and falling down.
  • Charming –  Pokey
  • Compact –  See Bijou, See Bijou, then divide by two.
  • Convenient For the M1 – The M1 backs onto your garden
  • Convenient for local amenities  – You can run to the shops , if you are Paula Radcliffe it will only take 2 hours
  • With planned transport links  – Your back garden is being compulsory purchased as part of a new 20 platform,24 hour station
  • Four bedrooms  – Three bedrooms, 4 if you can get a bed in the cupboard next to the boiler
  • In need of modernisation  – See the film “Moneypit” with Tom Hanks
  • Period charm –  See in need of modernisation
  • Internal viewing recommended –  Don’t look at the outside, its awful
  • Mature Garden  – There is a small pygmy tribe somewhere behind the garage you can barely see that now qualify for squatters rights
  • Original features  – The bathroom hasn’t been changed since 1932
  • Priced to sell  – Please don’t try and negotiate , its a lot of work for me as the agent.
  • Convenient studio for busy people –  You can turn everything on and off from the same chair with a stick
  • Set within a purpose built residential development –  This property is in a large unfinished housing estate, would suit a JCB enthusiast
  • Set within a quiet street in London  – The police will most likely have cordoned this street off
  • Arguably the best house in the area  – You can argue but legally I now don’t have to prove this as fact
  • Friendly communal area  – House has squatters that you’ll have to removed through the courts
  • Dining  Room –  Hall has a fold up table from Ikea
  • Benefits from a lovely view –  The neighbour is attractive
  • Duplex/Split level –  Due to subsidence your kitchen is now partly in the cellar
  • Family bathroom –  This house is sublet to another family who live in the bathroom
  • Offers the opportunity to create your own dream home  – House is not yet built, your buying a field
  • Proportional accommodation –  Only buy this if your less than 4 feet , its essentially a converted attic
  • Unofficial roof terrace  – There’s a garden table stuck in your roof from the storm of ’89 that now cant be moved as with the growth of the moss around it , its become load bearing
  • Up and coming area  – People are moving up because its awful and hope you’ll be coming in to buy their house
  • Set in large ,grand building –  Its a flat …in a block of flats
  • Quiet neighbourhood  – All the other houses are boarded up
  • Use caution when viewing the property –  You will need a police escor
  • Part of a gated community  – The other houses are half way houses for the “gated community” behind you , HMP Wandsworth
  • Roof needs TLC  – The Tiles,Lead and Chimney have all been stolen
  • Wont last long at this price  – Immediately after buying you will need to put structural supports on every wall
  • “Walk to” shopping  – You’ll have to walk to the shops as your car will be stolen within the first week of living here
  • Loaded with potential  – Potential is in fact “woodworm” in Spanish
  • Wooded /shaded  – Current court proceeding are taking place after the neighbour planted 60 foot fir trees after falling out
  • Sold as seen  – We know there is problem , you know there is a problem , lets see if you can find it
  • Unexpectedly back on the market –  We didn’t expect the surveyor to find the faults
  • Within reach of local schools – The kids from the local grammar will drink cider in your garden
  • Reduced  – Initially vastly overpriced
  • In need of updating with no onward chain –  An old lady died in your lounge , possibly haunted
  • Low maintenance front garden –  At the front of the property is a pavement
  • Ambient,exciting nightlife –  Your house is next door to a nightclub
  • During the day the front roof is bathed in natural sunlight –  There is no front wall to the house
  • Some original features retained  – Most of the doors and carpets have been taken
  • Fixtures for a fridge and oven  – There is no fridge or oven
  • “Wood effect” units –  The surveyor couldn’t identify what the units are made out of , but he is sure that they are not wood
  • Opportunity to create a wonderful flowing entertaining space –  The internal walls have been condemned
  • Well presented –  They hoovered before you came round
  • Exceptionally well presented –  They used shake’n’vac
  • The building has a lot of history –  There may be police tape
  • Key deposit –  Give us money
  • Reservation fee –  Give us money
  • Administration paperwork fee – We need £150 to photocopy your driving license
  • A real community spirit  – You will need to travel in packs of no less than 10 and preferably be armed
  • Aspirational living –  At the price we are selling this at it will be repossessed within 3 months
  • Riverside living – The house is within a flood plain and uninsureable